I will win a prize if i encourage the most friends to put this app or something. so everyone who sees this, just post a cutzie little something–anything at all! anything you want to get off your little chest….and you will help me BIG time to win this cute and fun little contest:)! Thanks to all who
<a href=”http://profile.myspace.com/Modules/Applications/Pages/Canvas.aspx?appId=103913&appParams=refer-175013816″ target=”_top”>omg reading people’s SECRETS is addictive</a>
today is eerily scary. Kate linder came over to my house and we had a nice talk. I always enjoy her presence here. I get a nice break from work, get a chance to talk with a good friend. Kate has her own sense of humor and loves to get out and meet with people. She is so brave to go out there and be Kate. I, on the other hand, am scared as hell to go out there on my own. I am scared to even go out and get gas by myself. I am scared because people may see that I fo not feel that i belong. My dad does everything around here for both my mom and me. I do not know how much further he can stretch himself. He has a quick learning curve! Sometimjes, I feel as though I have died and gone to heaven already. I guess I feel this way because my life, is flashing before my eyes. And yet, I still live. I hope it is a good thing.
My parents think they are a couple of the wisest or smartest people on earth. Here is the truth. They are idiots. I hate the fact that they do not know facts. I hate the fact they do not read. i hate the fact that all they ever do in their spare time is yell at each other and insult each other with the same stupid insults, over and over. You can record just once, a ranting at any random moment, and you will have recorded history. STUOID. Get a damn life.
I have just hit a peak, where my CSS is not going anywhere. It’s staying at 0 level progress! It is very frustrating and I want to yell at the top of my lungs! But alas, I cannot. I am inside a library. at WF no less. It ’s already been pretty strange that every little move I make seems to make someone stir. It’s cool though. Fun little experience. I want4ed to say that I thought about coming here every day to do and learn my job. But I do not know if I want to. Eva had some good ideas about my writing. I’m a little scared about posting it on my blog at this moment. I want to make sure that the material that i write will not incriminate me in any way. I already have enough blocks towards what i want to accomplish. I don’t need anything else that would make me look bad.
I hate showering before an event because my mind tends to get all perfectionistic on me, and it can’t seem to stop until almost up to the point of destination. Then all the adrenaline rush disappears and what replaces the fun rush is the melodramatic down of doom. Everything just seems to stop. Time seems to stop, except this is not the good kind. this is the kind of time where change appears to never occur, and time is all but too still. Thoughts come to and fro of my past, my future, and of the everlasting present. These are the times that tries me. I have to overcome these moments so that I may be able to see the light beyond the tunnel. To see hope that is so out of reach at that present moment. Why do these moments occur? does my brain stop functioning? does my hormones hit a spurt that goes to sleep in that vortex of stand-still time? It is a vortex. and it is one that i must stop. i want to live on. forget the titanic. my soul wants to come out and play. forget old habits. remember my new year’s resolution—and remember–things do change—let it come. things like my neighborhood development. It seems to sprout a new house every time i leave…along with more new residents than new houses built. what is it about
next: maybe my parents also try to develop new ones i think they try, yet im the one who keeps them from growing new roots
“Hi ho a merry oh, A single’s life for me!”
This will be my theme song for a year. I am vowing a chastity of relationships. It’s tough. But somebody’s gotta do it. Besides, being in a “ball and chains” for five years can really do some damage to a person’s ….something. I am finding this alone time a learning experience and terribly terribly lonely. But! I am leraning my limits, boundaries, and my untapped talents! I never thought I could survive without people around me 24/7. It seems normal. Amazingly, I am getting used to the fact that normal people have some down time. And for me, it is really scary and awkward. It is time I have longed for throughout my “relationship”, and never allowed myself to enjoy. Now, they are some of the best times! productive and enlightening at best!
Anyway, I set out to write a story about my old life, and I never seem to be able to do so. What normally runs in my mind when I think about that period is the closeness I’d developed between my brothers. I miss it. I missed the part about me that absollutely LOVED was how i cherished each and every relationship and friendship i encountered. I loved to get to know someone over a cup of coffee. dinner and lunch were really good ways to bond with friends. weirdly though, eating with family always seemed like a necessary way of growing in the learning of life. well, i’m going to finish up here. That’s mainly the stuff i miss. the annonymity was wonderful too. maybe did find my hiding place after all. now that i’m out, i feel ‘the world’ again, normal. it was hard to decipher whether it was a craziness, the division between city life and rural life. I longed so much to be back where “everyone knows my name”. It was one of the best places to grow up and be a part of a community. Here, I just feel like another body. I’d love to go somewhere like
Gardening is great! I have not tended to my bed for about a week now, since the tornadoes, and my garden is springing up nicely:) I love how independent these flowers are—as long as it gets its sunshine and water. And with the weather being so up and down lately, I haven’t had to do a thing. However, my mom pointed out to me that the weeds are growing in the bed, so, sometime this week or weekend, I’ll probably go out and weed my garden. Ha! It’s so cool to be able to say that even if it’s in my head or on cyberspace! I feel so grown up. even though—whatever.
So here are some updated photos of how my garden grows. Stay tuned for more–Oh, how my garden grows:)
Speaking of snapdragons, I sure felt like one today! I have been snapping at my parents today, and I know why too! I feel bad about it because I used to think I can control my emotions so well, it sent Aaron running! Well, maybe my parents know me well enough to know what buttons to push. Whatever it is, I ran out of patience with my mom today.
I was working and have been working on a web design project and gathering resources and such, it’s been fun, and still is. It is really hard to remember that there will always be people better than me. However, lately, it seems everyone is better than me. I don’t have a whole lot of encouragement here. I need to email my brother again. He’s promised to encourage me through my “flowering” process. maybe flowering is not the right word. budding. anyway, I need to start getting more positive vibes, or i will end up neglecting all the progress i have made and restart from -100,000.
I should have gone on my first instinct on signing up for a cgi class. I looked up and down, contacted customer service, and searched some more–even on my learning sandbox, relooking at past assignment to find the answer to how to create a form using html and being able to send those filled out forms to myself. I’ve used O’Reilly’s method, I’ve used the method described by the tutorials by siteground.com. I even tried about.com. ALL to NO AVAIL! I got so upset and frustrated by the end of the day that I went out to my backyard and started stomping on my garden! Don’t worry. It is just the foreground for a garden. Nothing has been planted yet. I went outside to pull out weeds so release the frustrative energy. Because of the storms last night, the soil is packed solid. That actually increased my level of frustration and permitted me to stomp all over it. I couldn’t do anything else! I was hoping my mom didn’t come curiously into the room with the windwo view towards the backyard, because I just wanted to be able to release my anger without anyone laughing or yelling at me. You nevver know my mom’s response. Anyway, she didn’t and I felt a little better. I then proceeded to go my my keyboard to use some creativity from my brain. I felt I overdid it with the repetitiveness of my tries on the internet for the cgi script. I played it loud, and I played it fun. I felt a lot better. I am so glad that there is not another storm tonight. I do feel bad for those whose homes and businesses were wrecked by the storms. Last night made me realize the intensity and the dangerousness of tornados and severe weather warnings and watches, and of course, the real thing if it happens to pounce your way (or even when it’s loominessly near.) So last night, I decided to make a plan, a preparation if you will for severe weather such as a tornado. I made a list of all the things I would need to take with me, and all the thigns that can go into the place of shelter in case any bad weather really does form and wreck this area. I plan on letting my parents in on it later, when I feel like sharing. Right now, I still do not feel I accomplished much. The preparations I have made for the severe weather, is: blankets near the closet I would evacuate to. All the important folders for identifications and the folders include my source of money to the bank. Water, and non-perishable foods, and what action steps to take. I felt a little more responsible after last night. I couldn’t believe (last night’s thoughts), how lacksidaisical I have been on all these watches and warnings! I feel like I have been an ignoramus, and pulled my family all along with me. I am glad I awoke to these threats. Because given any huge storm, statistically speaking, or patternwise–the storm knows noone. and will do any damage it pleases. To be aware of the fact and to actually understand that I am no one special to the storms, I felt a little older and more responsible, due to the fact that I started preparing and making plans. Yet I also felt a little retarded because it took almost 20 years for me to understand the importance of the weathermen at those times, and the interruption. So, all that said. We survived, and I fell asleep a couple hours before the storms were to be abated. I stayed awake as long as I could, making plans, listening to the weather forecast. I finally let myself fall sway to the night when the man on top of the weather news and informing every minute of every hour since the storm started, finally chose to take leave to go home and sleep. If he is comfortable enough to relax from the minute-to-minute storm chasing, I felt that I could do the same. If there were any changes, my radio is still on very low volume, and the signal for severe weather, should be loud and irritating enough to wake me up. Not to mention i decided to fall asleep on my tiny, two-person couch, which is amazingly uncomfortable, but, position-wise, farthest from the window in my room. safe, at least. and only a foot from the closet:)
Two totally unrelated topics, although, I am certain I can find a tie. Read on!
My garden is growing beautifully! I am very happy with the results because I have not killed my plants like i usually do with any living, breathing thing! I’m very happy. That must mean I am getting responsible. (Although, to be honest, I have not watered the garden in about a week. Rain here is getting to be a norm. I just go out and watched how my garden grows:) Pictures are attached. I am very happy with the colors and absolutely amazed at the buds and flowers that are coming out. It is awesome to watch something grow due to your own efforts. I’m guessing that is how my parents must feel from time to time.
Jack Canfield’s coaching seems like a wonderful idea! I talked with a representative about the prospect of getting a coach, how it will benefit me, if I am fit for something like this, etc, etc. It would be a wonderful opportunity! Jack’s Success Principles, Where you are Now, and Where you Want to be, is a wonderfully captivating book on how to get to where you are now, to where you want to be. It was given to me as a present, and the 64 principles are great! I have always wanted to take the principles one by one and incorporate it into my life so I can get to where I want to be. Reading the book just overwhelmed me with all the great principles I have to do (and want to do). With Jack’s personal coach, I can take it a little slower, with a coach to motivate me along!
Let’s see if I can afford it. There is the online version which is way, way more affordable. I’ll have to see where my spiritual guide takes me!
For now, I am working on a Mastermind Group so that I can start bouncing ideas off of others and encourage or motivate others as well as receiving so in return. This is one of the best ideas, that Jack came up with. I predict it may be hard to get all members to participate at a certain time period, but I have to try! Never give up, is one of Jack’s principles. I am very excited about this new group. I have the people I want in it picked out already. Now, it’s just setting up the group platform and inviting the members to join. I hope I get a great turnout. Every single one of the people I invite are people whom I respect and I see is either successful, or are ambitious to striving to be somewhere they want to be. I can just about say that all the people in my group are not too shy, so we should have some good dialogues going back and forth. I cannot wait until I am able to implement this group the way Jack and a little of my improvisation goes into it. This will be one of the stepping stones for me to getting back into “swing”. Wish me luck!
(and the tie is: As the garden grows, so am I. Being able to ask for help, is another growth spurt for me. That is, being really dependent initially, and then growing from my own ambitions from the dependent stage. There may still be work there, but I feel that I am coming slong. Jack’s never give up principle is starting to take root in my life. I’ve had several people tell me this, and I groaned every time. It is so cliche, but I see it as a truth or dare. I’ve seen my brother grow from being a great daddy to an independent young man. Along with life’s stressors. I’ve seen him struggling, and I’ve seen him happy and healthy. I’m glad to see that he is human after all. But also, am finally aware that no human being is immune to “bad situations”. Now, I have to learn how to manage those bad situations, when others are going through it, as well as how I manage them. Maybe I can teach my family that even though we all make mistakes, we can bounce back and live a wonderful, happy life. That mistakes are meant to occur, and will continue to occur in each and every single person, in their children and in themselves. I believe that the hardest part of teaching others this, is understanding that my own mistakes are not the “end all be all”. If I can convince myself of this, I’m sure I can convince others of theirs. But the question remains, how do I do this?
I hate seeing the psychiatrist. He does not seem to know how to diagnose me. Damn fool, thar he is. How do some people get a M.D. He seems like the type to just let you figure out what you are, and go on that. I hate psychiatrists. They are so expensive. I can’t afford any of this mind-fooling stuff, actually. I didn’t come from a rich family. money wise. We were so rich in *love* and kinships. We always had one another when things got rough. Now, family is scattered every which way. The only real love is through internet contact. I’m not sad about this. I just miss the ol’ home where every year, I can always rely on siblings, or close siblings to be there for one another. To play and forget all about the emotions and turmoil of the everyday. That is my dream for this family. No head doctor can do this. Only each other.
“Dare to Dream Dream to Believe Believe to Succeed Succeed to be Happy” (this should be at the Olympics!)
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